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Tuesday
July 30, 2002
6:44 pm |
For anyone who has considered suicide, then you probably have an idea of what my
depression is doing to me. I've been on the edge before, but if it weren't
for one person, I'd probably go to the edge again.
I have one year left here at my parents' home. So my mother says.
But that will change. I doubt that I actually have til college starts
until the end of August. Sad to think that's all I may have here. My
mother constantly asks me how to do things, and then when I tell her, she asks
why she'd want to do that. I swear, I know nothing anymore. Every
time I try to help her, she ends up arguing with me. I try to answer her,
but I get tired of trying to tell her when she turns around and gripes when I
try to answer her.
I loved last week at work despite all the rude, hateful people that came to
eat. I worked with my "FAVORITE" manager. I only work with
her yesterday, today, Saturday, and Sunday. That's it this week! I
so hate that.
I love watching her run her fingers through that dark blonde hair. All
I wanted all day today was to curl up with her. That is so not good.
(Okay, so it would be great, but it isn't good to think of the manager that
way.) When I have to quit and go to another job, maybe I'll have a
chance. I HOPE!!!
Seems weird yet though. I mean, I never thought about it really until
this summer, but it just goes so easily when I talk with my friend about
it. At least the friend I work with. HE knows I like our
manager. He is having a blast teasing me about it though.
The conversation was fun. I just wish the teasing could have come
true. He told her she'd eat someone out of house and home. Well, I
couldn't resist, "Eating is fun, if it's the 'right' kind of
'eating'."
"Is that an offer?" he teases. "Hey, Tammy, I found ya
somebody to shack up with!"
If only it could happen!!! I certainly wouldn't mind curling up with
her frequently.
Oh I'm awful!
I've almost gotten an angsty fic for Gundam Wing written. Next, I go to
my personal fiction. Time for me to work on a nice story about two girls
together. Okay, so I go for the mushy stuff when I write that kind of
thing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sap and fluff.
I'm hoping to get my personal site up and running on the new address, but I
have to wait for FrontPage to post it all to the server. I'll hide my
original stories there. All my poetry is already going on there.
I can't wait to get time to work on a completely new layout for some of my
sites. I don't know why I enjoy building sites so much. But at least
it's some kind of a hobby.
I'm going to even play with making some more aim icons. I don't know
why I enjoy this stuff so much. But it makes my depression seem a bit
milder. It almost completely disappears when I'm with Tammy. Then I
go home and Mom brings it all right back.
Okay, I think I'll shut up while I've run out of things to say before I think
of more. I'll just pop on out of here to go work on some personal
stuff. Got lots to finish on my pc before I re-work the system.
Thanks for reading!
Sel
Bad days seem to be everyone's problems lately.
|
Friday
June 7, 2002
12:57 PM |
Okay, maybe I'm just being a shallow 21 year old. But I have got to
realize some things that just aren't going to change. But things regarding
me are. With the thought that most of my friends and family are quite set
to the belief that homosexuality and bisexuality are wrong, I am put in a
terrible position.
Now, I have never seen anything wrong with the fact that, he may have a
boyfriend, or she has a girlfriend, or he had a girlfriend last week and this
week he has a boyfriend. But that's me. The only person that knows
me 100% personally that knows anything about me even thinking about my possibly
being bi is my ex-boyfriend. If anyone else around here were to know, I
don't know what would happen. And to be honest, I'm afraid to find
out. If it weren't for a few of the people I chat with, I'd lose my
mind. I would have no one to talk to at all about it.
Work is hell. Not only do I have to deal with having a manager that is
hot as she can be, and flirts with me (soooo good!!), but I get stuck doing the
drive through two days in a row in training during lunch and dinner rush (sooo
not good!!)! It is so not fair to have to go with a need to flirt and a
need to scream! I mean scream. It was so bad yesterday that I ended
up in tears. And I so do not like anyone to see me cry! I hate
it. I always feel so weak when they see me cry.
Okay, it shows I grew up with all guys, eh? No need to show
feelings. I really don't like that feeling of weakness. I have to be
tough, strong, independent. It's a part of me. It's a very important
part of my personality. So why do I feel like I'm losing that part?
I mean, I've got all my plans set for how to move out and be on my own. So
obviously, the independence is still strong and alive. But what about
having to be strong all the time? I don't know. I just so have to
scream sometimes and break down and cry.
Well, time to start working on my chores before working close tonight.
Hope the rest of you enjoy yourselves and be safe. Take care all.
Sel
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
*Evil Laughter*
Monday
May 27, 2002
10:52 pm
*Cheers* Hurray! I have just learned not to do these little
quizzes when depressed. While depressed, I got Dorothy! *chokes*
Okay, I'm going to go hide for tonight due to having to edit *manually* the
codes for some of my other pages. Have fun all with everything you are
into. I know I won't be as happy as I normally would be about an update,
but if it's right, I'll be happy enough.
Sel
|
: Quite happy.
: Average little day.
: Beware, rant mode.
: Peaceful.